Submission 178

To my brother Pete

I can’t put my finger on what I miss about you. I often just sit and think about you. I’m lucky to have so many memories of our childhood, and I think about how you always wanted to show me and tell me everything you knew about the world…like you were preparing me the whole time for when you leave.

I still use all that you showed me…so you’re never out of my thoughts and I often think.

I go fishing to clear my mind, but only think about how you taught me to fish.

I listen to music constantly to exercise the emotions that I can’t always show…and it’s always listening to music that you played to me when we were young.

I keep you alive in my life, I talk about you to people who don’t know, as if you’re still here. I don’t know whether to say I have two brothers or one when I talk to people. I always say two…but hesitate and have to take a deep breath every time.

At best, I think I’ve only ever felt 50% happy since you’ve gone, but I don’t mind that, as it feels like it should be that way…like it was the cost of losing you.

At worst, I forget that you were unwell and I wonder why I wasn’t enough to keep you here.

Your friends that drifted into my life when you died have mostly drifted back out, but we all share a unique connection with you. I remember on the first anniversary of your passing one of your mates said that they were raising a pint of Guinness in your honour because that was your drink…followed by another saying that they were raising a glass of Drambuie to you because that was your drink…and another toasting you with red wine…because…that was your drink.

For all the things you taught me…you didn’t show me how to write a profound or articulate note…which is a shame as I still can’t really say how I feel. But after 10 years I can say simply that I just miss you, and thanks to you, I can peel the bark off a stick and make a nice looking walking stick.

I love you and miss you everyday.