Alice Hendy's shared experience

"It's Josh", my Father said. "He's killed himself".

I looked at my Father in utter disbelief of what I had just heard. I turned to my Mother, who was staring into space. No tears, no screams. Just an overwhelming numbness consumed my body. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I didn't know what to say or do. 

Grief experienced from someone who has taken their own life really is like no other. Over the last few weeks, many people have said to me 'I can't imagine what you're going through'. And they are right. Unless you have experienced this type of tragedy firsthand, you will never understand the pain, sometimes actual physical pain, that lies inside of you day in, day out.

There is no doubt that my brother had his struggles. He was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome from a young age which, although not severe like the examples you watch on the television, was a very difficult condition to deal with. Josh was bullied consistently throughout school. Kids can be very cruel, and cruel they were. He was ridiculed for his condition, and he lacked friendships. 

Despite his troubled school experience, Josh obtained a good selection of qualifications from school, left to attend college and secured a respectable job in the community.

As Josh's older sister, I always felt protective of my brother. I tried my best to look after him, wrap him in cotton wool and stand up to the school bullies on his behalf.

I believe it is around the age of 17 that Josh's mental health really began to take a turn.

In the years that followed, Josh chanced his arm at cryptocurrency trading as well as setting up numerous business ventures. It has since transpired that Josh had also found himself in financial difficulty, with a large amount of credit and loans in his name, despite having a well-paid job.

Josh was offered support numerous times from Occupational Health assessments, telephone consultations, chats with family and friends, counselling, psychotherapy, you name it. But, he didn't take up these offers. I feel so sad knowing that, despite all of these supportive outlets and everyone around him that loved him more than life itself, he chose to battle alone.

There is no denying that the passing of my brother has changed me as a person. I feel like nothing else that happens to me in this world will ever be as bad as this. I've become distant, quieter, more subdued in nature. I have, however, become fixated and obsessed with ensuring that even one other family does not go through the utter devastation that is the loss of a loved one from suicide.

When learning of the circumstances surrounding Josh's death, it became apparent that he had been researching methods to take his own life via online search results. I chose to visit these websites and search results myself to enter Josh's headspace. What I discovered shocked me to the core. Harmful online search results add a level of vulnerability to individuals by reinforcing their feelings, legitimising their thoughts and providing users with the ways and means to act on their contemplations. The sheer volume of material available online and the lack of immediate mental health support following an online search of this nature is astounding.

To ensure more help and support is given to individuals searching for harmful content online, I set up R;pple.

R;pple is a browser extension designed to intercept harmful content relating to self-harm and suicide. Free to download and available now, R;pple provides support and resources for people suffering poor mental health. The tool comprises a message of hope and signposts to free support resources such as helplines, text services and webchats that are available 24/7 from mental health charities.

It's called R;pple because, on average, 135 people are impacted every time somebody takes their own life (ONS). The ripple-effect is extensive, as my family and Josh’s wider circle know only too well. I want to ensure individuals experiencing a mental health crisis and searching for self-harmful content online are offered hope and options for support when they need it. 

Please look out for each other. Make the time to check in with those around you. 

Love to you all, Alice

Written by Alice Hendy.