Hannah Murray’s shared experience
This piece is written by Hannah Murray one of our Ambassadors and the creator of @suicide.bereavement.journey
Hello, Hi, Hiya, Hey
So you have found this charity page ... Welcome!
For one reason or another, you are here and all I can say is that I am sorry for that. However, as you are here, let’s connect as I think we may have something in common, I hope from you being on this page you realise you are not on this journey alone and I appreciate how hard that is to come by.
So, I will tell you a bit about me and my mum...
I am Hannah, 25 years old and from the North West of England. My mum sadly died by suicide on Good Friday, 10th April 2020.
My mum was a truly wonderful lady who would do everything and anything for everyone and anyone, worked in travel for 32 years, was a happily married wife for 27 years and a devoted mum. My mum had no pre-existing mental health conditions and never spoke of any dark clouds or indicated that she was suffering. To be honest, I think pride played a big part in this as she never wanted to put on anyone or ‘waste’ anybody's time.
My life well and truly turned upside down when mum lost her battle with her internal demons and I admit, these past 10 months have been one crazy journey. The emotions that come with suicide grief are something I have never experienced before. I unfortunately have lost grandparents and a young cousin in my life but the grief that came with my mum’s suicide hit a new level.
I will admit to you, I went through stages of hate and anger. Naturally with suicide there are so many unanswered questions which makes you think of your own answers and responses. I developed a hatred for my mum for a period due to how much she hurt Dad and I. I will reassure you, this feeling will slowly but surely pass. Please don’t feel any shame with feeling this way, I know it sounds hard to have such negative emotions in an already awful situation but you are allowed to feel what you feel.
For the first three months following my mum’s death, I was numb. I didn’t know how I felt, in the space of an hour I felt SO many emotions that I think, looking back, I was in a state of shock. The following ended up being my ‘normal’ which in hindsight was so unhealthy and led to my hospital admission because quite frankly, I did not look after myself properly.
I could not fall asleep or stay asleep for more than three hours.
I couldn’t sit still without my mind racing so to combat this, I was always doing something. Whether it was exercise, sorting paperwork, washing my hair at 3am, cleaning cupboards, going through her wardrobe.
There were days I tried making cups of tea and porridge and no joke, it took me three attempts to make because my brain was just connected to my shoulders and I couldn’t fathom the correct process. I laugh now but jeeez, I well and truly questioned my way of functioning with this grief. I felt broken.
I ended up in hospital for five days, I had suspected appendicitis but it ended up being a serious infection that my body just could not fight alone so I was on IV antibiotics and liquids for the duration of my stay. This was hell for me, and you are probably wondering why. … My hospital stay was July 2020, we were in the midst of the COVID 19 pandemic, I was not allowed visitors, I was in excruciating pain and I couldn't speak to my darling mum who was always the person who could calm me down, reassure me and provide me with the comfort I needed.
Whilst being admitted, I had to update my next of kin and this just ripped me to pieces, I had a nurse say comments about the love of mums and I was broken. I was alone with my thoughts for five days and this is when the pain really started to hit. I missed her beyond words. I also knew, the following Wednesday I had to attend coroners court to have her death formalised and the cause of death confirmed. The hospital stay was what influenced the creation of my social media, Suicide Bereavement Journey Instagram Page.
Throughout the grief journey, I lived with my dad, so we were there for each other through the good days, bad days and everything in between. We very much went through different emotional journeys at different stages but to be honest, we do have very different personalities but that’s makes us, us. I am a talker and quite an emotional person, however my dad is one who does not share how he feels and will deal with things on his own which drives me mad.
The hardest thing for us, with living together was believing each other were dead, very regularly. Hopefully this sounds bizarre to you, but I will explain in case you resonate. There was a day where I managed to sleep in, dad was convinced I was dead and had to check on me to double check, this happened numerous times, you would need three hands to count the number of times this happened to dad. It was very much the same with me though, anytime he slept in or would spend time in the garage, I was convinced he was dead. There was also an occasion where my grandma didn’t answer the door or the house phone and I was adamant she was dead, I could not comprehend that she was out for coffee with her friend. My mind resorted to a one-way track mindset and I could not switch this off; where I was convinced she was dead. Thankfully now, being ten months in, this is now a thing of the past.
After a battle with the local NHS services, I managed to be put in touch with a counsellor, granted I only had three sessions but it was very beneficial. I was encouraged to speak about all the feelings which I had hidden deep away. We had a session based on ‘What do you want to say to your mum?’. The conversation finished with a very, very new outlook on mum’s suicide. I verbally said I was proud of her, I was proud of my mum for doing what she thought was best for her. In that moment, that was her only way to end all the pain. I don’t agree that it was the right decision by any means but I cannot change that. Instead, I respect her enough to agree that she did what she thought was necessary and the strength to go through that final action is incredible and it takes serious courage. All I can do is respect her decision and live on with her being a massive part of my life and someone who I love so dearly.
I have learnt that I need to accept my emotions rather than hiding them away. For me, talking about her really helps me keep going. Just because she is no longer here in person, doesn’t mean she is no longer my mum.
Please, if you take anything from this post, talk as much as you can and allow yourself to feel each emotion as that is your body's way of processing what you are going through.
It is one hell of a journey but you will get there. I will continue writing my experience over time.
If you would like to talk further, I have the following channels available.
You got this!
Lots of Love,
Hannah x
Written by Hannah Murray
