Submission 199

Dear Dad,

I have spent most of the last 5 years thinking about what I would say to you if I could. We did not say enough to each other when you were still here. I thought I had time.

I miss seeing you every weekend and Sundays are still hard for me sometimes. I can’t help but think about how I should be with you instead of whatever I do now. I didn’t express how much I appreciated this time with you and I regret that. I miss going to the movies, talking about new tv shows, books, and music. I miss making you mixed cds of whatever new things I was listening to. There have been so many new movies and tv shows that I know you’d love and it kills me that I can’t watch them with you and talk about them. You got me into every nerdy thing that I love to this day. Stephen King is my favorite author because of YOU. I didn’t deserve better, you were exactly what I needed and helped shape who I am.

Knowing that I was the last person to see you has filled me with so much guilt; I wish I said SOMETHING. I knew that you were struggling and I could tell that you were sad but I didn’t want you to get mad at mom for telling me. We spent a few hours together and you told me that I wouldn’t see you the following weekend because you were going to a party. I think you were trying to prepare me in a subtle way that I wasn’t going to see you the following week since you didn’t intend on going. I wish I stayed with you longer though I know that there was nothing I could do to make you stay. There’s no way that I could’ve known what was going to happen. I understand this but I’m still sorry. I’m sorry that you were in so much pain that you felt like this was your only option. I’m sorry that you felt like we all deserved better. I’m sorry for everything that you’ve missed and are going to miss. I’m sorry for getting angry at you when you’re not here to defend yourself. You deserved so much better than what you were dealt with.

I think about you every single day and I’m still floored that I’m never going to see you again. I’m doing my best trying to find joy without you here. It’s hard but I am trying. I wish you could see how far I’ve come and I hope that I’m making you proud, wherever you are. I love you so much.