Mum

I wish you'd have stayed

I wish you'd have stayed

To my Dad

It has been one year, two months, and 25 days since you left us. There hasn't been a single one of those where I haven't thought about you, about why you did this, about what I could have done to change things.

Of course the answer is I couldn't.

Dad,

I don’t think I will ever really be ok without you here. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled - not with all the money, love, friends or fun in the world, and I am so very sorry I didn’t realise how much you mean to me sooner. I will never forgive myself for that.

Dear Dad,

I have spent most of the last 5 years thinking about what I would say to you if I could. We did not say enough to each other when you were still here. I thought I had time. I miss seeing you every weekend and Sundays are still hard for me sometimes.

It’s been over a year.

As we approach the 2nd Christmas without you I am trying so hard to remember all the things that made Christmas so lovely growing up. Was it the tree, was it waiting for Father Christmas, was it the presents? And as I think about these things I realise that it was your love that made any celebration special. We really miss you. I just hope I get to see you again one day. My son misses you and talks about you often. My daughter doesn't remember but we will keep your memory alive I promise. And I see you in her a lot!!

Mum

I miss you, the world isn't the same without you in it. Although a year has passed I still feel like someone will tell me that they got it wrong, you aren't gone and you'll walk in that door again. I used to wonder why we hadn't been enough to stay, but now in my better moments I have such clarity of your love, how your actions were out of a desire to protect us and how cruel your mind was being to you that it didn't let you see any other way out.

Dear Dad

Losing you 4 days before Christmas completely turned my life upside down. Knowing that you called me and asked me a bunch of questions, and kept asking if I was okay… knowing now that you were trying to decide if I would survive… it’s a heart break that I’ll never get over.

Dad

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. Almost four years since you lost your battle and I still search for you in the supermarket and file through the memories etched in my brain. I can’t escape the gut wrenching feeling of missing you. I can physically feel my heartstrings tug when I think of what I’ll achieve without you there to watch me.

Dear Dad,

I miss you so much it hurts. I am going through such an exciting time in my life at the moment which has allowed me to reflect on my own thoughts and emotions. Whilst I am super happy and grateful to be experiencing what I am, there is just a constant thought in the back of my head of ‘I wish I could tell my dad what’s happening.’

Dear Pa,

It's been over a year now since you decided to leave us, and one question that follows me around is: If you could feel the pain in me now, would you have still done it? Your demons were so bad I think you still would have, and that haunts me.

To the man who took me under his wing when I needed a father the most,

So many questions of why. Why now? Why ever? Why didn't you read my message that morning? Why weren't we enough for you to keep fighting?

Dad

As a child losing a parent to suicide, I feel as though my default setting is guilt and that I could have done more. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did.

Dear Dad,

It has taken me a while to conjure up the courage to write this letter. There is not a day that I don't think about you, and I speak to you in my head each and every day. I want you to know that I'm not angry nor have I been since you left us. All I have felt is incredible sadness. For what you must have been feeling. For what could have been, and for all the moments you are missing. I am sad about the time wasted and the moments I could have been softer with you. I feel heartbroken that you aren't here to experience life when you were so full of life until it all got hard. I don't know if there is anything I could have done to change your mind, but I wish I could have been there to hold your hand. I wish I could have better noticed the signs and supported you.