Submission 232

Dad,

This is the first new years without you, I should be stood on your balcony watching the fireworks. Instead I'm at home alone with the cats.
I know why you did it, I can't find it in myself to blame you, but even so I wish you were here still. You've already missed so much, I met Jays boyfriend, he's amazing you'd love him. They're so good for each other, you'd be so proud! I've gotten firsts in every single uni assignment this semester, I've been discussing a PhD with my favorite lecturer and he wants to take me on, you'd be so proud.
Remember one of the last times we spoke, you said you'd never have grandkids? I tried to reassure you that I wanted kids someday and I didn't realise that what you actually meant was that you wouldn't live long enough to meet them. I'm pregnant, you're going to be a grandad. We don't know the gender yet but if it's a boy he'll have your middle name as his first, if its a girl we'll use the name you wish you'd called me. I wish I could tell you this in person, you'd be so happy. I'll make sure they know how much of an amazing man their grandad was, I promise.
Chris is out of town for a few days for business, and I'm so lonely when I know I should be with you. It's only 9pm and the fireworks have started already, can you see them where you are? Can you see me? Writing this letter into the void and crying?
There hasn't been a single day that I don't miss you, I've got a picture next to your ashes, you look happy in it. I keep replaying the last time we saw each other and wondering if I could have done anything. Andy hasn't been the same since he found you, he's much worse these days, drunk all the time, I imagine you'll be seeing him again soon.
I miss you, I forgive you, I love you.
Happy new year dad,
Your loving daughter x